The Feminine Mistake

One day while reading my Manic Mommies blog, I came across a post about a new book called The Feminine Mistake. I read that post and also read another post by the actual author, Leslie Bennetts. Immediately, the book's title offended me. The post by the author was also quite heated. She was indignant about not caring for stay-at-home moms. Hmmmm, I think. Should I read this book? I honestly didn't want to, but since it addressed my former situation so much, I felt like I should read it through entirely before I critiqued it. So, I did just that.

Here is my review of the book:

Beginning with the prologue, Leslie Bennetts is adamant that not working outside the home is the absolute worst decision any woman could ever possibly make for herself. She terms the stay-at-home status as "economic dependency", liberally utilizing this phrase throughout the book's 14 chapters. I guess she has a point. In opting out of work, you ARE agreeing to be dependent on your husband's income even if nobody looks at it that way nowadays. She is the eternal pessimist: the glass IS half-empty and will be totally empty very soon. Her questions concern your husband's well-being. What if he dies? What if he has a major illness? What if he divorces you? (Her most-cited reason.)

To provide statistics and anecdotes for her book, she has interviewed several stay-at-home moms. She claims they are from all parts of the United States and all income levels, but she seems to reference very wealthy New-England wives the most often. (Ms. Bennetts lives in New York City with her husband and two children, says the book jacket.) Most of these women say they are staying home for their children, but then admit that they have nannies and cooks and housekeepers. As other reviewers have pointed out, they also seem to have never heard of life insurance, savings accounts, or prenuptial agreements. Ms. Bennetts bashes these women over and over for being idiots when they gave up their high-powered careers, some even before they had children.

Divorce is Ms. Bennetts's biggest concern for "economically dependent" moms. Her own grandfather left her grandmother to live in poverty and at the mercy of her greedy brothers when the author's mother was 9 years old. She recounts story after story of husbands who failed to stay faithful to their stay-at-home wives. The problem with this, in my opinion, is that the marriages she describes are inherently BAD. More than a few are arrangements where the man handles the money and doesn't tell his wife how much they have, where it is, or how to get to it. One husband even woke his wife up in the middle of the night to have her sign tax returns so she wouldn't know how much money he made! Several marriages have the man controlling the entire checking account and making his wife "ask" for money to go buy groceries. How insulting! However, these should not be held up as good and NORMAL marriages! Any pastor or marriage counselor would tell you that these marriages are doomed whether the wife works or not. If a husband and wife don't have equal control and equal say in the money, no matter who earns it, toes will be stepped on and fights will ensue.

Now that I have mentioned my problems with this book, let me list a few things I did learn from it.

1. Leslie Bennetts does have a point.
Men die, have catastrophic illnesses, and divorce their wives. It happens all the time. It's unpleasant to think about, but you do need to be prepared. You need to have an emergency fund and life insurance. As for the possibility of divorce, I have never liked prenuptial agreements. I think a better plan is to have a Christ-centered marriage and attend church together regularly. Once you have kids, remember that you were spouses first. Work at keeping your marriage fun and interesting. Also, it wouldn't hurt to keep up your job skills just in case you do need to go back to work.

2. Working just to pay childcare might be OK.
Bennetts take on making just enough money to pay childcare is this: The day care situation is temporary. Even if you aren't making much "profit" from your work now, if you stay in the workforce, your salary will be higher after those 5 years of day care than if you had quit the workforce and stayed home. I admit I never thought of that.

3. Working is good for you.
Women who work are overall happier than women who don't work. I have experienced this myself. I was fully at home for 5 1/2 years. During that time I was gloriously happy! However, I did have a sense that I had lost a part of myself. That part that was "smart" and got good grades. Was I wasting my education and my brain? Since going back to work (for good!) in January, I have realized how much I LOVE accounting! After these nearly 6 months at work, I can't see myself completely staying home ever again. I still like part-time work, but to be unemployed would be so boring!

So there you have it. My review of a very controversial book. I could write a book myself, about this book, but this post is long enough. I thank any of you who have read all the way to here. I just felt like I should read this book since it addressed my previous status as well as my current status. The work vs. stay-home conundrum has been at the forefront of my life for the past 6 years. At home, you wonder if you should be working. At work, you wonder if you should be at home. And so it goes.

To all you women out there, do what you feel is right. For yourself and your family.